Talking with your child about relationships and growing up

Young children are naturally curious. They want to understand their body and the world around them.

Talk to your child about their developing sexuality from early childhood. This will help to make these conversations normal and build a healthy habit of communicating about sexuality and other sensitive issues.

Simple but honest answers work best for young children. If they want to hear more, they’ll ask more questions.

Do not worry if you think you told them too much. If it’s beyond the child’s interest and understanding, it will generally go over their heads.

What to talk about

This is a good time for your child to learn:

• the correct names for genitals
• the differences between bodies - for example, “Some people have a penis and some have a vulva”
• that some parts of the body are private - but it is still OK to talk about them with trusted adults
• about privacy and boundaries - teach them about safe, unsafe and unwanted touch
• where babies come from - if they ask, you could say “Babies grow inside a special place in a woman’s body”
• that families do not all look the same - for example, a family may have a mammy and daddy, 1 parent or 2 mammies or daddies

Making the ‘Big Talk’ many small talks - age 4 to 7 (PDF, 13.9 MB, 46 pages)

Between the ages of 8 and 12 your child will experience a lot of changes. Generally, they are still very much children at 8, while at 12 they’re beginning their adolescent journey.

Age is only one indicator of development. You know best what stage your child is at and what their needs might be.

Puberty and adolescence

Puberty describes the physical changes that happen when a young person’s body starts to become more like an adult’s body.

Females usually start puberty between ages 9 and 11 and males start at around age 12. If your child’s development falls outside this range it can still be healthy. Talk to your GP if you have any concerns.

Adolescence describes the stage in life between being a child and being an adult. It covers the teenage years.

At around age 12 your child is moving into adolescence. During adolescence they will experience physical, emotional and social changes as their body and brain develops.

Friendships and peer groups become even more important as young people seek more independence from their parents and families.

Prepare your child for changes

Being open with your child can help them manage some of the changes that come with puberty and adolescence.

Try to focus on developing healthy attitudes and behaviours towards their bodies, relationships and sexuality.

What to talk about

Try to have short, regular conversations about:

• puberty and body changes - prepare your child in advance by explaining the likely physical changes
• hygiene - talk with your child about how to take care of their developing body, including care of their genitals
• body changes in others - for example, include information about menstruation when talking to boys as well as girls
• body image - reassure your child that bodies develop at different speeds
• consent - explain that their body is their own and how to be aware of safe, unsafe and unwanted touch
• respect - remind them that other people have boundaries too
• their friendships, attractions or ‘crushes’

As your child grows, they need more independence as they try to form a secure sense of who they are. It may not seem like it at times, but your support still matters a lot.

You can help them build:

• confidence
• healthy relationships
• good decision-making skills

What to talk about

You could talk about healthy relationships, keeping safe online and decision making.

Healthy relationships

It is a good time to talk about respect, trust and honesty in friendships and romantic relationships. This includes how to recognise unhealthy behaviour in relationships and how to get help if things become stressful or harmful.

Young teenagers may feel pressure to be sexually active.

Make sure they know that the age of sexual consent in Ireland is 17. This means it is illegal for someone to have sex with a person under age 17.

Legal age of sexual consent

Remind them that their body belongs to them and they can say “no” to activities that they do not want or are harmful to them. They should also respect other people’s boundaries.

You could focus on:

• the emotional and physical benefits of delaying sexual activity
• helping them learn about consent
• gradually helping them learn about safer sex practices, including contraception and STI prevention and testing, to prepare them for adult life
• the importance of using trustworthy information and not social media when making life and health decisions
• the importance of making decisions based on what is right for them, rather than on peer pressure

Online safety

Talk to your child about keeping safe online and the potential risks of sharing digital sexual images of themselves and others.

Posting, sending and sharing sexual images

Alcohol, drugs and decision-making

Talk about how alcohol and drugs can affect a person's health and judgement. Using alcohol and drugs can lead to an increase in physical and emotional risk.

Explore how they might recognise unsafe situations and the steps they can take to protect themselves and their friends.

Talk about how:

• it's illegal to have sex with someone who is intoxicated
• being intoxicated can affect a person’s capacity to give sexual consent
• it’s important to make decisions about sex when sober
• someone who is intoxicated is not responsible for crimes committed against them

At age 17 to 18, a young person is becoming more independent. They are at the legal age of sexual consent.

Treat them as a young adult while staying supportive. Continue to have open, honest conversations. This will prepare them for real-life situations.

Reports show young people often want to talk with their parents about relationships and sexuality.

Continue to talk about these things in everyday life, even if it seems like they’re not listening or already know everything.

Let them know you are there and are willing to talk if they need help or advice.

You can also point them to reliable information and services, including sexual wellbeing.

What to talk about

Talk about sexual health, consent and healthy relationships.

Your young adult needs clear, practical information that supports their relationship and sexual health. This includes both the physical and emotional aspects.

There may be a lot going on in their lives. They may be more exposed to new environments, such as college, work and travel. They may have new experiences involving alcohol, drugs or sexual activity.

Talking to your child about alcohol and drugs

Things to talk about include:

• making decisions that are based on trustworthy information and feel right for them
• getting involved in more serious romantic relationships
• mutual consent and respect, including the law around sexual consent
• recognising pressure or coercion (being forced to do something against their will)
• safer sex practices, including preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and protecting against unplanned pregnancy

At this stage a young adult needs to know:

• about the sexual health services available and how to access them
• how to contact a GP and other health professionals
• who to contact if they are the victim of in-person or online sexual violence

Knowing where to go can help them act quickly and confidently.