A temper tantrum is your child’s way of expressing their emotions.
Your child may become frustrated if they cannot make you understand what they want or if they do not get their own way.
It's important to teach your child how to manage their emotions and find better ways of dealing with their frustrations.
During a temper tantrum, your child may:
- shout
- scream
- kick
- bite
- throw things
- lash out
- run away
When temper tantrums start
Your child may show signs of temper tantrums from 12 to 18 months. They may continue until they are age 3 or older.
For many children, these tantrums may only happen a few times. For others they are more frequent and will ease off as they grow.
It can be upsetting for you when your child has a temper tantrum. Tantrums in a public place can be very distressing for you both.
Helping your child during a temper tantrum
There are ways you can help your child to manage through these difficult moments.
It’s important that you stay calm while they are having a tantrum. They will be watching to see how you react. Tantrums are part of your child’s growth and development. Do not punish your child for this behaviour.
Find out why the tantrum is happening
Your child may have a tantrum because they're tired or hungry, in which case the solution could be simple. They could be looking for more independence, or trying to assert themselves.
They could be feeling frustrated or even jealous of another child. They may be looking for your time, attention and love.
Understand and accept your child's anger
You probably feel angry yourself at times. But unlike your child, you can express it in other ways.
Find a distraction
If you think your child is starting a tantrum, find something to distract them with straight away. This could be something you can see out of the window.
For example, you could say, "Look! A cat!" Make yourself sound as surprised and interested as you can.
Wait for it to stop
Losing your temper or shouting back will not end the tantrum. Ignore any looks you may get from people around you and focus on staying calm.
Saying no
When you say no, say it firmly and calmly. The tone of your voice and their understanding of the word 'no' is important to learn at an early age.
Do not change your mind
Giving in will not help in the long term. If you've said no, do not change your mind just to end the tantrum.
Otherwise, your child will think tantrums can get them what they want. For the same reason, it does not help to bribe them with sweets or treats.
If you're at home, try going into another room for a while. Some children may not want to be hugged or touched during a tantrum.
Stay nearby to ensure they do not hurt themselves. If they do not want physical contact, let them know you’re staying close and that you’ll be there for them when they are ready.
Be prepared when you're out shopping
Tantrums often happen in shops. This can be embarrassing, which makes it harder to stay calm.
If you do need to go to the shops with your child, make sure they are not tired or hungry, as these things can be a trigger.
Keep shopping trips as short as possible. Involve your child in the shopping by talking about what you need and letting them help you.
Try holding your child firmly until the tantrum passes
Some parents find firmly holding their child while they're having a tantrum helpful. But it can be hard to hold a struggling child.
It usually works when:
- your child is more upset than angry
- you're feeling calm enough to talk to them gently and reassure them
Hitting, biting, kicking and fighting
Most young children occasionally bite, hit or push another child. Toddlers are curious and may not understand that biting or pulling hair hurts.
This does not mean your child will grow up to be aggressive. There are ways to teach your child that this behaviour is unacceptable.
Do not hit, bite or kick back
This could make your child think it's acceptable to do this. Instead, make it clear that what they're doing hurts and you will not allow it.
Talk to them
Children often go through phases of being upset or insecure and express their feelings by being aggressive. Finding out what is worrying them is the first step to being able to help.
Show them you love them, but not their behaviour
Children may be behaving badly because they need more attention.
Show them you love them by:
- praising good behaviour
- giving them plenty of cuddles (when they're not behaving badly)
Help them express themselves in another way
Find a big space, such as a park, and encourage your child to run and shout.
Letting your child know that you recognise their feelings will make it easier for them to express themselves without hurting anyone else.
You could try saying things like: "I know you're feeling angry about… ". This will help them to name their own feelings and think about them.
What to do if your child bites
Getting support
If you're seriously concerned about your child's behaviour, talk to your health visitor or GP.