Helping a child cope with a parent's problem drinking

Children can struggle to cope with the effects of a parent's alcohol dependence.

They may develop stress, mood or behavioural problems, such as:

• depression or anxiety
• poor self-esteem
• getting upset easily
• acting younger than their age, bedwetting or speech problems
• not wanting to leave the house or mix with other people
• being aggressive
• getting into trouble
• being too well-behaved and obedient
• looking for approval all the time
• difficulty making friends
• taking risks

Supporting a child to cope

It may help to protect your child from the effects of problem drinking, such as arguments.

Focus on their needs and feelings. It will help to have a stable adult in their lives.

It also helps to:

• keep up routines and rituals at home - such as school and activities
• get support from friends and family outside the home, if you can

It is important that you get support for yourself if you are helping a child affected by drinking behaviour.

Alcohol support services for families

What you can do to help a child

If a child is worried about a parent's drinking:

• do not deny there is a problem or laugh it off, especially if they bring it up
• explain the drinking behaviour in a simple way and ask them how they feel about it
• ask if they are OK when something bad happens - such as an argument or embarrassing behaviour
• ask them often about how they feel
• try not to interrupt them if they talk about their feelings or how the parent's drinking affects them

Teaching children the 7 Cs

Children often think they are to blame for a parent’s drinking. This can leave them feeling confused, sad, or hopeless.

The 7 Cs can help them cope and understand what’s really going on.

7 Cs for coping

The 7 Cs are:

• Cause - I did not cause it
• Cure - I cannot cure it.
• Control - I cannot control it.
• Care - I can care for myself.
• Communicate - I can communicate my feelings.
• Choices - I can make healthy choices.
• Celebrate - I can celebrate myself and be proud of who I am and my achievements.

Try to protect them

Ask the person drinking not to drink in front of the children.

Try to prevent children seeing or overhearing fights and arguments.

Try not to let the needs or demands of the person drinking get in the way of the needs of the children.

Take your child away from home if they are likely to be affected by drinking behaviour. Do homework in a café or library. Go for a walk or visit a friend if things are tense.

Get help if you need it.

Alcohol supports and services for families

Keep some stability in their lives

Keep to routines and try not to let drinking spoil special occasions. If necessary, celebrate without the person who is drinking.

Try not to break promises. Stick to any plans you make.

Let them be children

Watch out for children taking on too many adult responsibilities, such as:

• cooking
• cleaning
• minding other children

Make sure they have time for their homework and playing or meeting their friends.

Do not burden children with your problems or expect them to give you emotional support. Get your support from other adults such as friends, family, a professional or a support group.

Build their confidence and resilience

Support your children to have hobbies, interests and friendships outside the home.

Watch out for signs of stress and help them to cope in a healthy way.

Things that can help them cope include:

• talking about their feelings
• getting exercise
• learning deep breathing or other simple relaxation techniques

Encourage and support them to set and achieve goals for themselves. Praise them and celebrate small successes.

Building resilience in young people to prevent alcohol use

Get support for them

Tell your child’s teacher or school guidance counsellor about any problems at home. The school can then support your child.

Try to arrange:

• peer support for them
• support for you as a family