How to cope with someone’s problem drinking

When the situation is very difficult, it can be hard to imagine a different life. But change is possible, for you and the person drinking.

There are ways to cope better when someone close to you is drinking in a harmful way. Building your coping skills and asking for help will make a difference.

Look after your own needs

It’s easy to forget about your own needs when you’re living with someone who is dependent on alcohol.

You may be too busy looking after the person and taking on extra responsibilities.

Remember:

• you did not cause it
• you cannot control it
• you cannot cure it

Put yourself and other family members first, if you can.

Focus on your lifestyle and try to:

• get help if you need it - talk to someone you trust or contact a support group for families
• get enough sleep
• eat well
• take regular breaks away from the problems - go for a walk or visit a friend

Recognise that harmful drinking affects you too

Someone's harmful drinking can affect you in many ways.

For example, it can cause problems with your:

• health
• relationships
• sleep
• emotions - for example, you feel worn out, afraid, anxious or resentful
• finances

Try to recognise and express your feelings.

Know that you’re not to blame

You may blame yourself for the person's problem drinking or for not being able to change it.

You may feel responsible when their drinking affects other family members or causes problems.

For example, someone's problem drinking may cause you to:

• have financial worries
• feel you are letting others down
• feel you have failed in the relationship

Do not feel you have to solve the problem

You cannot make someone stop drinking, as much as you may want to.

There are some things you can do to help them. But in the end, the decision to change the harmful drinking is theirs.

How to help someone dependent on alcohol

Learn about dependence and recovery

Understanding alcohol dependence and recovery can make you feel more in control.

Talk to your GP. They can explain more about alcohol dependence and give you advice. But they need the person's consent to speak about their care.

Alcohol dependence treatment and recovery

Talk to other people

Living with someone who drinks too much or is dependent on alcohol can make you feel isolated.

You may feel ashamed to talk about it or feel that you are the only person with these types of problems.

Try not to feel ashamed. Alcohol dependence affects many families, in every part of society. It can be a relief to talk to other people, especially people in a similar situation.

Talk to someone you trust or contact a support group for families.

If you have children

Children can struggle to cope with the effects of someone's drinking.

Try to talk openly with your child or children about the problems they see and focus on their needs.

Learn active listening techniques. Your child may be more able to share how they feel.

Tips on being a good listener

How to help the child of someone with problem drinking

Domestic violence

Alcohol is often a trigger for abusive behaviour. It is one of the main risk factors for domestic violence and violence against children.

Domestic violence and abuse can affect your life in many ways. It may be difficult to know how to stop it.

Child-to-parent abuse

Domestic violence does not always come from a partner. It can be from a child who drinks too much alcohol or takes other drugs. This is sometimes called child-to-parent abuse or adolescent-to-parent abuse.

This type of abuse can cause shame and confusion. It can make you feel at a loss as to what to do.

Remember, you are not alone.

Domestic violence is a crime. No one has the right to be violent towards you. Getting support may help your situation.

Keep yourself and others safe from harm

There are supports available to help keep you safe. Your GP can help by referring you to suitable supports and services in your area.

If you are worried that a child is at risk of abuse or neglect, contact Tusla (the child and family agency).