Emotional regulation: help your child manage big feelings

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to strong emotions. It's a skill that we all learn.

Emotional regulation for children is about how they:

• cope with difficult feelings like anger, frustration or sadness
• pause before reacting when they feel overwhelmed
• find ways to feel better when they’re upset
• learn how to respond to emotions

It’s also about helping children learn how to recover when emotions take over.

Co-regulation

Learning to manage emotions often starts with the parent or caregiver. Young children need help to understand and cope with big feelings.

They learn by:

• watching how adults respond
• feeling supported when emotions are hard to handle

This shared process is called co-regulation. It's when an adult helps a child feel safe, calm, and understood.

Difficulty managing emotions

Some children may find it harder to manage their emotions.

This can include children with:

• sensory differences
• developmental delays
• autism
• ADHD
• learning disabilities
• other additional needs

They often rely on those around them to help them to regulate or stay regulated.

We are not born with the ability to self-regulate. This is a skill we learn over time, with help from the adults around us.

As children grow, they learn how to manage their feelings on their own. This process continues through childhood and into adulthood.

You can support your child by showing them how you manage your own emotions, especially during stressful moments.

Help your baby to manage their feelings

Helping a child regulate emotions

To help your child if they have difficulty regulating emotions:

• acknowledge their emotions and emotional responses
• model emotional regulation
• teach
• practice calming techniques
• be consistent
• create a calm zone
• tune into their feelings
• be with your child

Acknowledge their emotional responses

Acknowledge your child’s emotions and emotional responses. Emotional outbursts are a normal part of development. They are not intentional attempts to make parenting difficult.

Having patience and ‘tuning in’ to your child’s emotional state can help them tolerate emotional tension.

All feelings are okay and normal. Put negative feelings into words. Praise your children when they respond to an emotion in healthy ways.

Encourage children to talk about feelings. Avoid directives about feelings. Avoid statements such as ‘Don’t be sad’. Instead, label your child’s feelings accurately. Encourage your child to talk about the emotion, such as ‘I see you are sad about that, tell me about it’.

Be aware of your own emotional response

Children are likely to imitate your example. Be aware of how you handle your own emotions. Model the behaviour you would like your child to exhibit.

It’s helpful to stay calm when your child’s emotions are running high. But this can be very challenging.

If you feel yourself getting stressed, take a moment to breathe or step away briefly if it’s safe to do so. Looking after your own well-being makes it easier to support your child.

Talk about your own feelings using simple emotion words like happy, sad, or angry. When you name your feelings out loud, your child learns that emotions are normal and can be talked about. This helps them build the words they need to express and manage their own feelings.

Teach

Teach children positive self-talk about the event. Teach children to tell themselves thoughts which calm them down. For example, ‘everyone makes mistakes’, ‘I can handle this’ and ‘It was an accident’.

Teach problem solving. When something goes wrong, help your child think of a few different ways to handle it. Talk about the good and not-so-good parts of each idea. Then choose one together.

Spotting warning signs

Help your child notice when strong feelings are starting, like:

• complaining
• speaking in an angry tone
• feeling irritated
• saying things like “this isn’t fair”

If they can talk about their feelings early, it can stop things from getting worse.

Plan ahead for the daily schedule. Give verbal warnings 5 to 10 minutes before transitions. A visual schedule may help to show the order of different activities.

Practice calming relaxation techniques

Practice strategies that can help your child to calm.

For example, the ‘Turtle Technique’. This involves imagining that he or she is retreating into his shell, taking three deep breaths and saying ‘calm down, take deep breaths’.

The child can imagine they are ‘pushing’ the air into their arms and legs to relax their muscles.

Be consistent

Provide a stable and consistent environment.

You can help your child know what to expect through:

• setting clear boundaries – explain what is okay and what is not, in simple language
• clear household rules
• predictable routines

Remember the basics. Do not forget to ensure enough sleep, appropriate diet, exercise and engaging activities.

Create a calm zone

To create a calm zone for your child:

• find a quiet zone in the house
• mark out the zone and make it cosy. For example, use a tent or curtain to define the space, and put in a bean bag, pillows and stuffed animals
• add some calming tools. For example, music, fidget toys and include visual cue cards to remind of calming activities

Explain how to use the calm zone and practice calming techniques. Use the zone throughout the day - not only when your child is upset.

Tune into emotions

Become aware of your child's emotion, even when they seem small - like feeling disappointed or frustrated. These feelings matter and can build up if not supported.

View your child's emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching.

Listen and acknowledge your child's emotions. Avoid judgement. What can help your child the most is being with them in their emotions, rather than trying to stop them from feeling how they feel.

Knowing that you do not have to be alone when you are upset is at the heart of feeling emotionally secure.

Help your child use words to describe what they feel. If they can't find the right words, help them. The most important thing is to stay with the feelings, not rush to make them go away.

Be with your child

If your child is upset or in distress, one of the most important things you can do is to just be with them. By doing this, we are showing them that all feelings, even big uncomfortable ones, are OK.

To be with your child:

• pause what you’re doing and focus on your child
• show with your body language that you’re present. For example, get down to your child’s level
• mirror what they are feeling with your facial expressions and gestures, such as nodding
• use minimal words to let them know they are safe and that you understand

These soothing, respectful, and nurturing interactions are the building blocks for co-regulation. They will help your child learn how to self-regulate.

Have a routine

Daily routines can provide structure and predictability. They help everyone know what to expect and what there is to look forward to.

Creating a visual schedule together is a nice way to ensure everyone is aware of the plan for the day. It can include pictures, drawings or words.

The schedule can include times for school, free play, mealtimes, outdoor play, screen time and chores. By increasing predictability, routines can help support regulation across the day.

Use visual scales to show feelings

Visual tools can help your child understand feelings.

You might use an 'emotional thermometer' or a '5-point scale'. These tools help your child organise their thoughts during tough moments.

When you start, create the labels together. Use words, colours or numbers that make sense to your child.

For a child who is a visual learner you might start to associate different colours with different states. For example, green with happy and red with frustrated.

Add pictures to teach what different levels might look or feel like. Identify coping strategies that might be useful at the different levels. For example, taking a break, or showing a ‘help’ card’.

Practise using the visual tool when your child is regulated. Later, use the visual tool when there are warning signs your child is becoming dysregulated. Use it to help them identify how they feel and remember some of their coping strategies.

Introduce social stories

Social stories can help if there is a particular situation that brings up difficult feelings for your child. For example, losing a game or waiting for their turn.

In the social story, explain the feeling. But give some solutions about better ways they could respond to the feeling.

Coping strategies

Children learn coping strategies best with time and lots of practice.

These strategies might include:

• taking 5 deep breaths
• asking for help
• walking away and spending time alone

Coping strategies are best practised when a child is calm and alert and ready for learning.

When teaching deep breathing you could use the actions - ‘smell the flowers’ for the inhale and ‘blow out the candles’ for the exhale.

A ‘help card’ that a child can show is a good way of asking for help or teaching a sign. For example, ‘showing 5 fingers’ could symbolise ‘I need 5 minutes' or 'I need a break’.

Calm kit or stress kit

A calm kit is a practical strategy to help a child self-manage big emotions. The goal is that the child will feel more relaxed and regulated after engaging with items in the kit.

Think about making the kit something they can bring with them. For example, they can have a mini box in the car or smaller items in their pockets.

A calm kit or calm box can help your child calm down and regulate on their own. Keep it somewhere easy to reach. This gives your child the chance to manage big feelings without needing help from others.

Items to include might be:

• fidget toys
• music
• calming items such as stress balls or bubble wrap
• pictures or items related to a special interest

This kit is also a chance for your child to choose what helps them feel calm. Let them help put the kit together so they feel ownership and know what works best for them.

Things that may escalate emotions

Videos on emotional regulation

Watch a four-part webinar workshop series for parents of children with disabilities. The webinar looks specifically at how to help children with regulation challenges.

Emotional regulation part 1 (video)

Emotional regulation part 2 (video)

Emotional regulation part 3 (video)

Emotional regulation part 4 (video)