What to say to someone who is going through a tough time

When someone is feeling down or going through a tough time it can be difficult to know what do do or say.

This guide is about how to listen to someone and what to say.

We have separate guides if you are:

• worried about someone's mental health
• supporting someone who is grieving
• supporting someone through exams
• helping someone with depression
• supporting someone who might be suicidal
• helping someone who self harms

If someone tells you they are going through something difficult

If someone tells you they are feeling low or going through a difficult time, take them seriously.

Let them know you're listening

Show them you sympathise by saying:

• "It sounds like you're dealing with a lot at the moment"
• "I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling like this right now"
• "I'm really glad you're sharing this with me"

Listen more than you talk

Try to hold back from offering too much advice or your own experiences.

Try and listen to their understanding and experience.

We all have different thoughts, feelings and experiences.

If someone tells you how they think or feel about something, it may be different to how you feel or view the same thing.

You might accidentally shut the conversation down if you say things like:

• "You shouldn't feel this bad"
• "You're over-reacting"
• "It's not as bad as you think"

Avoid trying to solve their problem

It can be more important to know that someone else has heard you than to have someone suggest solutions.

Ask them if they know what they want to do next. It may help them to think about how they can help themselves.

Show them you sympathise by saying:

• "That sounds tough, is there any help you can get?"
• "I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What are the next steps?
• "Thanks for sharing this with me, what are your options for dealing with this?"

Examples of what not to say:

• "It's not that bad"
• "Things will get better"
• "How could you be so selfish?"

These reactions can result in the person feeling misunderstood and more isolated than ever.

Instead, listen to what they are going through.

When someone is not ready to talk

Sometimes we think people are going through a tough time, but they might not be aware of it themselves. They may not be ready to talk.

Letting the person know that you are there for them if they ever do want to talk about it can be an excellent way to show care and support.

Helpful things to say

You can encourage them to talk by saying:

• "Can you tell me more about what's going on?"
• "If you want to tell me more, I'm here to listen"
• "I've noticed you haven't been yourself, is there anything on your mind?"
• "I can see this is hard for you to open up about. It's OK to take your time. I'm not in any rush"

Focus on their feelings

Encourage the person to share how they felt emotionally about what is upsetting them.

Asking the person will not upset them more but may allow the emotions they've been holding in to be released.

Voicing painful feelings can help to reduce emotional distress.

Active listening

Use your body language to show the other person your attention is fully on them. Try to face them and not get distracted by other things such as your mobile phone or the TV.

Tips on being a good listener

Mind your own wellbeing

When worrying about someone else, it's easy to forget about yourself. But it's important to remember to look after yourself too.

Supports for carers, family and friends