How to talk to someone about their problem drinking

When a person relies on alcohol, you cannot make them change their behaviour.

There may be many reasons why they are not ready to change. For example, they may think they cannot cope without alcohol. Whatever their reasons, they need to make the decision themselves.

But talking to the person may help them to start to see things in another way.

Before the conversation

Pick a time to talk when the person is in a good mood and has not been drinking.

Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover.

Write down what you will say. This may help you to stay calm and avoid saying something you may regret.

Starting the conversation

It can be hard to raise the subject of problem drinking with someone. You may worry about upsetting them or feel scared to face the issue.

A good way to start may be with questions that do not have a yes or no answer. These can encourage the person to give a more detailed response.

Ask how they feel about their drinking

You could try a straightforward question, such as:

• How do you feel about your drinking?
• I am worried that your drinking is getting you into trouble. What do you think?
• I feel like your drinking is getting a bit out of control. How is it affecting you?

Give them time to think and respond before you say something else.

You may be able to use the conversation to see how they feel about changing their behaviour.

If they are open to change, they may:

• be relieved to talk about how they feel
• appreciate your support and advice

But if they do not see a problem, they may accuse you of pressuring them or overreacting.

Avoid blame and accusations

The person may feel upset, worried or guilty about their drinking. If they feel under attack, they may get defensive or refuse to talk.

If they had talked about their drinking previously, try to reopen that conversation.

Do not use words that are judgemental or unkind.

You could say:

• I’m a bit worried about your drinking.
• I want to talk to you about something - I feel your drinking is causing you some problems.
• You seem to be drinking more lately - is there a reason for that?
• I am worried about how much you are spending on alcohol.
• You seem unhappy - I've read alcohol can have a bad effect on mood.

Use examples to explain

Use specific examples to show the effects of their drinking behaviour.

You could say:

• John was upset when you were hungover and didn’t take him to football.
• I was looking forward to watching the film with you and I was really disappointed when you stayed in the pub.
• I noticed you missed work a few times. I'm worried about how drinking is affecting you.
• I felt scared last night when you were shouting after drinking.

Be prepared for resistance

The person may feel very defensive unless they are already thinking about change.

They may:

• get angry
• refuse to talk
• dismiss what you say
• make a joke about it

It's common for people not to accept there is a problem. It can be painful or difficult to accept.

If the person becomes defensive, try not to argue or become defensive yourself.

Try to stay calm. You have opened the door for further conversation, when they are ready.

If they talk, show you are listening

Think about what they have said and show them you are listening. Try to offer solutions.

You could say:

• I know you're stressed about work. Maybe talking to someone would help.
• You said you feel anxious a lot. Have you thought about seeing someone about that?
• You said you do not think it's a big problem, but do you think there could be a benefit in cutting down?

Do not push the issue

It’s not helpful to have a row or to keep repeating the same argument.

If they refuse to talk, leave it for a while.

You could say:

• OK. But I hope you’ll think about it because it is worrying me.
• I can see you’re not ready to talk. But I’m here if you ever need to talk.

Continue to support them

To continue to support them after a conversation:

• do not give mixed messages
• do not give up
• give positive encouragement

Do not give mixed messages

Be consistent in what you say and do. If you believe the person has a problem, do not continue to drink with them. It could send a confusing message.

Suggest some activities you could do together without drinking. Ask the person what they would like to do.

If they are trying to cut down, do not force them into activities that make them feel uncomfortable.

Family or friends can organise trips, occasions and events that are alcohol free. This can show that you can enjoy yourself without alcohol.

Do not give up

Continue to talk to the person. This does not mean commenting and criticising every time they drink.

Let them know:

• how you feel
• that you are there for them
• other support options they have

Give positive encouragement

Encourage the person to share their feelings. When they do, tell them you appreciate them sharing with you.

Acknowledge that what they are going through is difficult. Try to notice when things are going well for them and point this out.

You could help them to set small, realistic goals. Celebrate their success with them.

Look after yourself

Look after yourself and try to find time to do things you enjoy.

Do not try to keep the other person's drinking a secret. Get support if you need it.

This could be through:

• family or friends
• our alcohol helpline or support group
• counselling

Keep safe

If someone reacts badly to you trying to talk to them about their drinking, you may need to make changes in your life so you can keep safe.