How to talk to someone about their problem drinking

When a person relies on alcohol, you cannot make them change their behaviour.

There may be many reasons why they are not ready to change. For example, they may think they cannot cope without alcohol. Whatever their reasons, they need to make the decision themselves.

But talking to the person may help them to start to see things in another way.

You can:

• offer support
• let them know how their drinking affects you
• keep talking with them - it may take several conversations

Starting the conversation

It can be hard to raise the subject of problem drinking with someone. You may worry about upsetting them or feel scared to face the issue.

To start the conversation:

• plan and pick a good time
• see how they feel about change
• avoid blame and accusations
• use examples to explain
• be prepared for resistance
• do not push the issue

Plan and pick a good time

Pick a time when they are in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol.

Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover.

Write down what you will say. This may help you to stay calm and avoid saying something you may regret.

See how they feel about change

You can use the conversation to see how they feel about changing their behaviour. Aim to ask questions that do not have a yes or no answer.

You could say:

• "How do you feel about your drinking?"
• "I am worried that your drinking is getting you into trouble. What do you think?"
• "I feel like your drinking is getting a bit out of control. How is it affecting you?"

Give them time to think and respond before you say something else.

If they are open to change, they may:

• be relieved to talk about how they feel
• appreciate your support and advice

But if they do not see a problem, they may accuse you of nagging or overreacting.

Avoid blame and accusations

The person may feel upset, worried or guilty about their drinking. If they feel under attack, they may get defensive or refuse to talk.

If they said before that their drinking caused a problem, try to reopen that conversation.

Do not use words that are judgemental or unkind.

You could say:

• "I’m a bit worried about your drinking."
• "I want to talk to you about something: I feel that your drinking is causing you some problems."
• "You seem to be drinking more lately. Is there a reason for that?"
• "Our family cannot afford the money you spend on alcohol."
• "You seem unhappy. They say that alcohol can have a bad effect on mood."

Use examples to explain

Use specific examples to show how their drinking had consequences.

You could say:

• "John was upset when you were hungover and didn’t take him to football."
• "I was looking forward to watching the film with you and I was really disappointed when you stayed in the pub."
• "I felt scared last night when you were shouting after drinking."
• "I noticed you missed work a few times. I'm worried about how drinking is affecting you."

Be prepared for resistance

The person may feel very defensive unless they are already thinking about change.

They may:

• get angry
• refuse to talk
• dismiss what you say
• make a joke about it

It's common for people not to accept there is a problem. It can be painful or difficult to accept.

Show that you listened

Think about what they have told you and show them you listened. Try to offer solutions.

You could say:

• "I know you're stressed about work. Maybe talking to someone would help."
• "You said you feel anxious a lot. I was wondering if you would see someone about that."
• "You don't think it's a big problem but maybe you could think about cutting down."

Do not push the issue

It’s not helpful to have a verbal fight or to keep repeating the same argument.

If they refuse to talk, leave it for a while.

You could say:

• "OK. But I hope you’ll think about it because it is worrying me."
• “I can see you’re not ready to talk. But I’m here if you ever need to talk."

Continue to support them

To continue to support them after a conversation:

• do not give mixed messages
• do not give up
• give positive encouragement

Do not give mixed messages

Be consistent in what you say and do. If you believe the person has a problem, do not continue to drink with them. It could send a confusing message.

Suggest some activities you could do together without drinking. Ask the person what they would like to do.

If they are trying to cut down, do not force them to join activities that make them feel uncomfortable.

Families or friends can organise trips, occasions and events that are alcohol free. This can show that you can enjoy yourself without alcohol.

Do not give up

Continue to talk to the person. This does not mean commenting and criticising every time they drink.

Let them know:

• how you feel
• that you are there for them
• other support options they have

Give positive encouragement

Encourage the person to share how they are feeling. Give them positive reinforcement when they share.

Acknowledge that what they are going through is difficult. Try to notice when things are going well for them and point this out.

You could help them to set small and realistic goals. Celebrate their success with them.

Look after yourself

Look after yourself and try to find time to do things you enjoy.

Do not try to keep the other person's drinking a secret. Get support if you need it.

This could be through:

• family or friends
• a helpline or support group
• counselling

How to cope with a family member’s problem drinking